As many of you know, I was given an incredible opportunity to make a Healing Pilgrimage to Lourdes, France with the Order of Malta. Lourdes is the place where The Virgin Mary, appeared to a young peasant girl named Bernadette Soubirous in the year 1858. Aside from the apparition of Our Lady, numerous confirmed miracles have occured and countless other nonconfirmed healings continue to take place in this tranquil village at the base of the Pyrenese Mountains in France.
The deacon at our church, Deacon Sam Mancuso, recommended me to the Lourdes Order of Malta team leader in Houston, who is Kate Signorelli. Kate and her husband Bob, met with Jerry and me one evening last year along with our good friends Kathleen and Bill Schoefield, who also were in the order of Malta. They encouraged me to apply for the pilgrimage which was an all expense trip for the malade and their companion from Baltimore to Lourdes. The word "malade" is French for (one who has a malady). A long selection process occurred throught the order of Malta. The first thing I needed was a written concent from my primary oncologist stating that I was able to travel outside the U.S. Luckily, Dr. Champlin approved that late in 2014.
In February, I was notified that I had been selected to attend the pilgrimage. Jerry and I were elated, but I actually felt a bit undeserving because by that time my blood counts were looking good and I was feeling so much better. I mentioned to Kate that I was really feeling better and if there was a more needy person, I would not be offended to be replaced. She promptly replied that the decision was ultimately in Mary's hands, and that she had decided. Realizing that I still have the chance of recurrence of my cancer and other complications that could occur, I decided to look at this as an opportunity for both physical and spiritual healing and a way to give thanks for my progress thus far.
So on April 28th we departed for Baltimore and met up with all the rest of the 48 maladies and 334 pilgrims from all over the country. There were 6 maladies from the Houston area and about 10 from Texas. My experiences at Lourdes on this Pilgrimage were difficult to describe at the deepest levels. I experienced both joy and sadness. Joy for the kindness and love that was ever present and poured out toward the malades and their companions by the Knights and Dames of Malta and the volunteers that accompanied them. Jerry and I were surrounded by good and faithful Christians who paid their way to France just to make our trip as pleasant and burden free as possible. On the other hand, I couldn't help but feel sadness for the many families who were experiencing great burdens and hardships due to illness; but in the midst of their suffering they presented with great dignity, humility, hope and resolve. By at large it was an upbeat and happy bunch of people, contrary to what many of the new pilgrims were weary of.
I also experienced feelings of "awe" over the breathtaking beauty and grandeur of the Grotto compound area. The river Gave (meaning turbulent) runs through the town of Lourdes and right next to the grotto. As you stand on the bridge passing over the rushing water and strong currents of the Gave river and look to the immediate left and see the statue where Mary once appeared in the Grotto: I was overwhelmed by the opposing sense of the strength and magnitude of God's beautiful creation in nature and his serene and loving Mother who is capable of bringing peace and control in our lives, through her intercessions to her son, Jesus.
I think my greatest emotion was that of immense gratitude. I wanted to come to Lourdes to give thanks to Jesus and Mary for the powerful healing I have experienced through my illness and stem cell transplant. At this point I have had a year of increasingly good health and well being. For this I will always be grateful. I still face the reality that my leukemia could return, or that I could acquire graft versus host disease, or be affected by an out of control infection, or have a different kind of cancer as a result of the chemo and prior cancer history. But right now, it's time to be thankful and to live each day God gives me with gratitude. And I am so, so grateful and blessed and feel the blessings that have been poured out on me that go deep to my soul.
The first day we all were wheeled down to the baths in our carts. The baths are where the pilgrims are allowed to get quickly submersed in the spring water that erupted as a result of Bernadette's digging at the request of Mary in the 1800's. One of the women on our team was a malade two years ago and she was back this year as a Dame volunteer. Two years ago she was experiencing a neurological impairment that kept her from walking without a scooter or walker. After being dunked in the spring water at the baths at Lourdes she walked away from the baths and returned home from her pilgrimage without any need for the scooter or walker. She is being worked up for a miracle by the medical and investigatory body of the church, which takes years. Jerry and I thought it was more than a coincidence that my "bath" in the waters of Lourdes took place on the feast day of St. Peregrine, the saint that is called upon to heal cancers.
Whether I have a cure or not, I trust in God's great wisdom and Mary's intercessions for me. He knows Jerry and I want this more than anything but He knows what's best for me, even if it means suffering. I just ask for the courage and strength to live through my future crosses in the best way I can to serve Him and bring others to his Kingdom. I have a strong sense that I shouldn't spend time looking back, but I should keep trudging forward figuring out how He wants me to serve Him best. I feel that one of the big spiritual insights I had at Lourdes was the awareness that we ALL will be called to carry some crosses. And instead of asking "why me?" when something bad happens, I should be saying "Why NOT me?
